Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
October already? What’s next? November????
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.