Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.