teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.