If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
The real reason evolution started..😂
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”