I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
this is literally a CIA plant
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*seductively peels off lederhosen