the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
This is enough internet for the day.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet