I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
bartender: get this catatonic
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]