Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.