DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
How software testing works
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.