If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.