me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.