The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!