After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
What the hell is going on?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My dog learned how to text
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.