I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit