Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Tell me you get it…🤣
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.