Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed