the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?