Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Holy crap this is wonderful
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.