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SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
🛁
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit