Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.