Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You Might Also Like
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
what’s really going on
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.