If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
do horses think humans are hats
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.