I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that