we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Unimpressed
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.