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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn鈥檛 find jesus in your contacts
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My cats won鈥檛 talk to me because I came home late from work.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
my 8yo鈥檚 friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it鈥檚 my grandma鈥檚 favorite band
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I鈥檇 just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you鈥檙e obnoxious.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I鈥檝e just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I鈥檇 probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand