[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike