The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.