After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
ok like just. call me at this point
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.