I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Extremely relatable.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
This could be us… but you playing
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft