Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
THE DOG😭😭💀
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
wtf is a larm clock?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.