Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency