Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.