Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”