*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Me buying fruit and veg
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.