Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Good morning!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*