Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
sir, my pâté if you please
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.