A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”