*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Botany good plants lately?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
No one :
Me when I swimming :