*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.