If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.


A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.


I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.


Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?



Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.


Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.


I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?


GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep



ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit


I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.