If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…