history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good