I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.