Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size