“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Botany good plants lately?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.