Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.