Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..