me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.