cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*offers Batman cough drops*
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
How your email finds me
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…