Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
No, he would not have.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this