Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

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* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”


“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”


Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.


I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.


If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.


They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.