Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You Might Also Like
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”