@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

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@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@murrman5

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@TopherKearby

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@Maxine12333

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.