It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that