It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I can also cook 😂
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH