99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You Might Also Like
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
spicy snake
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.