When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.