HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them